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Jokes
May 15, 2021 20:56:04 GMT
Post by Engine Driver on May 15, 2021 20:56:04 GMT
Two great football fanatics, Tom and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.
They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.
Not long afterwards, Tom was run over by a bus and killed. On the night after the funeral, while Stevie was asleep, a vision of Tom appeared to him. Tom was wearing a long white robe, and Stevie noticed immediately that he also had football boots on.
"So they do play football there!" he exclaimed, sitting up in bed.
"Yes," said the vision. "But do you want the good news first or the bad news?"
"Oh, the good news."
"The good news is they have the most fantastic football sides here. There's more footballers here than you might think. And the Angels love the game too. We play in the Heavenly League."
"Well that's great!" said Stevie. "What can the bad news be?"
"The bad news is I saw your name on the board for next Sunday's game."
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Jokes
May 16, 2021 14:41:25 GMT
Post by Engine Driver on May 16, 2021 14:41:25 GMT
A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.
Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."
She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."
"Okay," says the driver, "Well I always had this fantasy of kissing a nun."
"Alright, but you must be single and Catholic," says the nun.
"No problem, I'm both!"
"Okay then, so stop the car over there."
He stops and the nun makes his dreams come true with the Mother Teresa of all kisses.
But when they set off again, the driver starts crying.
"I'm sorry Sister, " he says. "I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
"That's okay son," replied the nun. "I'm Steven and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party.
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Jokes
May 17, 2021 12:22:45 GMT
Post by Engine Driver on May 17, 2021 12:22:45 GMT
Steve wants to sell his car and consults his friend Tom.
Steve's car is getting old so he’s decided to put it up for sale but consults his friend Tom before making the advert.
Tom asks him, “How many miles are on your car Steve?”.
“132,000, she’s getting old” he says.
Tom looked shocked as he wanted his friend to get some money back from his use of the car so he replied, “Steve, why don’t you get the odometer wound back, it’ll be worth more with less miles on the clock”
Steve took Tom’s advice on board and got his clocks wound back.
A week later the pair meet again and upon arrival to Stev’s house, Tom realized that the car was still sat on the drive.
Tom asked Steve when he got inside, “No bites on selling the old motor Steve”?
Steve replied, “I did what you said and wound the clocks back down to 7000 miles, so I kept it.”
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Jokes
May 21, 2021 18:09:58 GMT
Post by Engine Driver on May 21, 2021 18:09:58 GMT
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Jokes
May 24, 2021 21:18:15 GMT
Post by Engine Driver on May 24, 2021 21:18:15 GMT
Mac the sailor docked at Liverpool after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was 50pence and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 pence and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
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Jokes
May 25, 2021 16:31:47 GMT
Post by Grim Leaker on May 25, 2021 16:31:47 GMT
His autobiography is out  |
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